Friday, April 20, 2012

Broken Promise

I want to write all about how my heart is breaking for one of the patients on my unit.  I want to tell you all about what is wrong with her and how long she has been there, how they assign her to me every time I work and what her prospects are.  Because I take care of her so often, people ask me almost daily my opinion on when she is going to die.  The "if" questions stopped a long time ago.  I want to tell you all about how I thought she was going to die in surgery (I cried on and off the whole day she went in (I was at home, thank goodness)), but she made it.  I want to talk about how I kind of wanted her to die in surgery; to just go to sleep and never wake up.

I don't blog my hospital stories because I'm nervous about patient privacy, but this woman has worked her way inside of me and I want to write this down so I remember her when I read this in 5, 10, 15 years.  I'm not sure why I have grown so attached to her because she sleeps most of the day and isn't much for talking because she's in constant pain.  I just feel so sad for her.  I want her to get better so badly, but then I want her to not get better and go on hospice so she can have as much narcotics as she wants.

I promised her on Tuesday that I'd come back and paint her nails on Wednesday, and she smiled at the idea.  She smiled and I haven't seen her smile in weeks.  But then I was sick on Wednesday and didn't go to work.  I'm not scheduled to go back until next Tuesday, and I have a lot of anxiety that she won't be there to hear why I didn't come back with my pink nail polish like I promised.

I feel like breaking that promise was one of the worst things I've ever done.


Eevi said...

Since we work at the same place, while we barely ever see each other, I know who you are talking about and I think it is amazing that she has someone like you to care of her regularly. I am sure you have been a huge blessing in this sad part of life while so many of other nurses ask to not be her nurse or get frustrated with her.

Candy Cakes said...

This makes my heart hurt. I don't know if it is better to pray you get to follow through with your promise or to pray that whatever her outcome is going to be will go ahead and happen. Limbo stinks but I have to tell you that she is so lucky to be in your heart and I know that your caring about her while you care FOR her has made an impact. You are doing something so awesome, I just wish it wasn't so sad for you. Sigh. *big hug*

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